Its Not My Future, Its My Life

Window Seat

2010-04-05T21:11:00.002+01:00

Erykah Badu - Window Seat

Her music has always been amazing, her personal life controversial but this ... EXCEPTIONAL art. When i first saw the video i couldn't tear my eyes away from her body and frankly how beautiful i thought her bottom was, God made her an exceptionally beautiful specimen. When watching the video again i started to understand the message she was trying to convey, from the words 'EVOLVING' written across her back and her stripping in public. She is evolving and she is challenging us to question our own ideas and thoughts. I think the majority of people that saw the video probably thought "WTF IS SHE DOING?!?" i know i did, but on second thoughts i realise that i am guilty of being on of those people that are quick to shoot down things that they do not understand or feel are alien to them. Her use of JFK's assassination site drives the message home even more i think because we need to stop thinking as a collective and start becoming individuals, start thinking for ourselves and what WE as INDIVIDUALS believe in.

Tell me what you think ...

Coco

Homosexuality

2010-03-31T15:55:00.002+01:00

Dictionary.com tells me that Homosexuality is a noun meaning sexual desire or behavior directed toward a person or persons of one's own sex.

This has been bugging me for a while now, I would like to point out that I am NOT gay, I do not have sexual desires towards women, I find women and the female body beautiful but that is where that fascination ends.

I know a few gay people, and majority of these people believe that they were born gay. Personally that is a statement I refuse to believe. Just like the statement that God loves homosexuals. My friend posted a video on facebook of a woman that used to be gay but no longer is.

She states that we were born in sin (something I am aware of, when Adam sinned we the human race inherited disease, old age, pain and death. We were given free will to do what we choose. When Jesus gave his life for us, it was so that we could be forgiven of all sin and live eternally with our heavenly father.)

Following that statement, being given free will we CHOOSE to be gay, we CHOOSE to murderers, we CHOOSE to be molesters, we CHOOSE to be rapists. I used to believe that we are products of our environments. A statement I no longer believe because if that was the case I would have been a teenage single mother from the age of probably 15 because my mother is a single parent. I decided to go to university, I decided to abstain from sex, I decided to not go raving. We were giving free will and what you choose to do with that free will is entirely up to you but as Jackie Hill says, do not be like Lucifer and take scripture out of context so that you can carry on living in sin.

I say this because a lot of people say that God is Love, therefore because I am gay God loves me. NO! You are not willing to repent for your sin, If God loved you and your sin he would not send you to hell for it. Think about it like this, someone says "I want you to be beautiful, but I am going to beat the colour out of your skin because your beautiful" < Does that statement make any sense? !NO! neither does saying that God loves me even if I am gay. If you read the story of Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 19) then you would know how God felt towards the inhabitants of the cities. I'm not trying to preach here because I myself am not perfect, I just want people to realise what they are saying. Because your trying to find an excuse to live in sin and justify that sin with scriptures.

I'm just saying
D.B

SIGH

2010-03-30T01:23:00.002+01:00

I have sooooo much to do and say ... but i just don't know what to do, what to say or where to start. Stressed is an understatement and my lack of motivation is not helping my cause very much at this time. I graduate this year, am i ready? No. Should i tell my mum? Yes. Am i going to? No. I'm tired, i need more time and i know I'm not going to get it. I really am going to graduate but i have nothing lined up to do afterwards. I'm going to be a jobless bum of a graduate ... something i am not looking forward to, something i went to university to avoid. I've decided i want to make 1.2million before i turn 30, my ideal goal is 25. I want to buy my first property before i turn 25 because that's when i want to start a family. I want to be and do so much. There are footsteps on the moon, i don't see why my footsteps can't be there two. I'm going to try and do some work *sigh* staying faithful to my promise is hard work. They say its a comfort to a fool ... you know what that makes me right?

C.B

HIP-HOP

2010-03-05T16:42:00.003Z

For those that know I wasn't a big Hip-Hop fan until I met some of the coolest dudes EVER on twitter @JOECOLUMBO @RASHADHOUSTON @ISREALDEEP @DALITTLEPRINCE @ELI4REAL. I started listening to their music and I slowly developed a new love for hip-hop.

TODAY, I was told about the new Fabolous mix tape. Its called 'There Is No Competition 2: The Funeral Service" this mixtape has BLOWN ME AWAY!! When I saw the album cover I thought he is not messing about:

I heard the first track and I thought THIS IS IT!!! FAB WENT ALL THE WAY IN!!

IM IN LOVE WITH HIP-HOP RIGHT NOW, JUST WANA TAKE IT AND RUB IT OVER MY NAKED BODY THIS IS THE GOOD LIFE!!
LOVE, CB

IM BACK!

2010-03-03T17:36:00.005Z

Sorry I've been M.I.A but my camera is broken so I've been a bit depressed BUT we won't dwell on that, 12th April I will purchase my SLR so I will get my portfolio started and I already have my ideas sorted and my model's lined up. LOVE YOU DEAN!!

I decided that today my post will be on UK music! Concentrating on the Black artists. I'm not really into the whole Grime scene but I've dabbled here and there, I can't tell you who EVERYONE is but I will try and educate myself through this post. Bare with me guys.

Nu Brand Flex Ft. Brags - Runway

I love this song personally because it's about fashion. "Flick, Flick, Pose, Flick, Flick, Flick, Vogue, Fashion Is Passion" I'm loving the direction the guy's have gone into, if you remember the Channel U days you will agree with me that they have come a long way.

Skepta - Bad Boy

I'm feeling the lyrics to this, Skepta is talking allot of sense, its one of those songs that make you evaluate yourself, your partner and your relationship. SONG IS OUT MARCH 15TH!!

Bashy Ft. Loick - When The Sky Falls

This song is TOOOOOO MUCH!!! I am loving Loick's vocals on it. Well done to Bashy doing his music and movie thing! This song is part of the soundtrack to the film 'Shank' starring Ashley 'Bashy' Thomas and Adam 'Kidult/Adulthood' Deacon out nationwide on March 26th 2010.

Tinie Tempah - Pass Out

It's not the official video because youtube wont let me embed it to my page however I will post the link underneath so you can see it. The official video is on point! I like it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzvGKas5RsU

Scorcher - Dark Knight

SO THIS IS SCORCHER!!! ... I know who he is lol!! I've heard his music before but I didn't know who he was EXAMPLE:

I <3>

Kyze - Ring Ding

This is my ring tone ... some people just call me constantly, nothing nice to say, no conversation, just pain to my head so I thought it was appropriate.

Giggs - Don't Go There

Honestly, I cant listen to Giggs in public his music makes me HYPE!! But his lyrics are on point, always have been. I'm looking forward to purchasing the new album soon!

I will be doing more music posts in the next couple of days but im going to leave it there for now.
Love C.B

January Outings Pt.1

2010-02-08T02:38:00.008Z

E-SlasH-J's Birthday party, I <3 Dude! (02/01/2010)

My Downhill spiral started with this Margarita (09/01/2010)

My gay bestfriend Aston ... HAPPY 21ST HUN!! (i think we make a cute couple)

In my drunken state I was selling myself on a street corner in Soho for $10, a man told me I was worth more than that, and I shouldn't be selling myself. He and his friend were lovely

Our peace photo after nearly getting kicked out of McDonalds in Leicster Square for arguing ... I think the bouncer thought I had a knife ... Don't know where it would have been ... in my fanny?!? I THINK NOT!!

I was sooooo DRUNK!!

I had a brief stint as a lesbian :)

I am CLEARLY past it and thought I was a member of KISS, this was before I became too drunk to stand straight and was holding on to an air vent and told a couple of snogging in a corner. I told them prevention is better than cure and they should wear condoms at all times! The guy looked like he wanted to have a fight ... You can't blame me, EVERYONE knows that once ive had vodka I cant be held responsible for my actions.

The morning after the night before.

I <3 YOU DUDE! X

I have an edible shoulder ... apparently ... ive been told smh

Me and the Gang! Lesbian.Straight.Gay <3 Them!

Thick in all the right places I hear you say?!? Yes indeedy!

January 2010

2010-02-01T01:39:00.002Z

This past month has been so CRAZY for me. Its been a blur. I've been out every other day/night on one crazy adventure after another. Its been entertaining to say the least. I'm enjoying life at the moment and working hard at staying happy. I've worked out the next 5 years of my life and I am UBER excited out that. I am no longer Queen Penelope, only on my twitter.

Feel free to follow me:

I recall promising you guy's a few videos, but my youtube channel has been having seizures and it has not been co-operating with me. But I will try my hardest to get it to work and post the videos by the end of this week. In the mean time I guess I'm going to post some pictures of my crazy adventures and include a brief summery so you guys can see what I have been up to. BTW be nice and say hello to my twin Coco :)

Love ya much
D.B

New Beginnings

2010-02-01T00:33:00.004Z

2009 ended on a high for me, January 2010 has been so amazing, I just know that this year will carry on how it started.

Hi, my name is Coco, I'm a new addition to the Daqauri team. We are now Coco & Daqauri Black.

Trust me when I say getting here was not easy, Daqauri and i fought tooth and nail ...

But she decided to let me stay, so Hey guys, I'm Coco, the new team member, enjoy my mugshot lol this is what talent will do to you, it will kick you to the curb if you don't fight back.

The End

2009-12-31T13:38:00.002Z

2009 has been a strange year, I Stopped talking to some people because they thought they could take me for a mug, I deleted other people for being disrespectful, and other people I just stopped talking to because we CLEARLY are going in different directions and to hold on is to be held back.

I have already decided where 2010 is going to take me, obviously with the help of God I will get there because he will provide for me when I can not provide for myself ... He is my Hero. I have to say I am rather excited about the year ahead. If I live to see 21 I will be a full fledged adult university graduate who can drive :). This is all going to happen in the next 6 to 7 months and I can truly say "I CAN'T BLOODY WAIT". In the mean time I'm going to upload some videos that I haven't had the chance to upload and some pictures showing why 2010 is going to be more amazing than 2009.

Love you lots
QP
xoxo

I Want To Be...

2009-12-14T03:47:00.002Z

Ive always wanted to be allot of things ... from when i was a little girl ... should i disclose my list? I think i should ...

1. Police Officer - i changed my mind after seeing robocop age 5
2. Dolphin Trainer - a lady on a TV show said she didn't get paid age 6/7
3. Fashion Designer & Make-up Artist - i still want to be this
4. Actress - i must say i was good at this, but its not realistic
5. Photographer - my it teacher said id get murdered and laughed (evil bitch i know)
6. Psychiatrist - i don't know why i stopped pursuing thing
7. Accountant - but i don't like maths :/
8. CEO of Microsoft - lol i know right
9. Managing Director of any organization

Those are the things i wanted to be. I am now 20yrs old and i still don't really know what i want to be when i am older, or what direction i should take my life in. I do however know that there are allot of things i want to do in the meantime while i make that decision. Allot of these things are hobbies, or rather things i like to do when i feel creative:

1. Photography (i have too many photo shoot ideas)
2. Designer (i cut up most of my clothes and i really want to make something)
3. DJ (i like music, and i think i could be good at it, why let all the celebs have all the fun?)
3. Cyclist and Dancer (lol something to keep me in shape)

For some reason i want to go into PR as a career, anything that includes traveling and all that good stuff, i want to own a 1976 Mustang, wear KG or louboutin heels and pop bottles of Dom like its water so baby girl needs to make that mullah if you know what i mean. Ive got to make it on my own, i don't have the patience to wait for prince charming to make these things happen for me, what if prince charming falls in love with a frog and believes he should spend all the things he made for me on her? Its all about doing for self ladies, and if you ain't doing that i feel sorry that you've decided to become a kept woman.
Love ya much,
QP

Boredom

2009-12-14T02:40:00.007Z

Boredom leads you to do crazy things ... for me it leads me to take photo's in my house or play dress up. I was bored the other day and decided to have a photo shoot, it was nothing like my circus photo shoot that i had in my bathtub a few months ago, where i was in my underwear and i posted the pictured on my facebook and took them down 2 days later (one guy in my class likes to remind me he has seen me in my underwear ... i like to remind him it was underwear and it is nothing he should be excited over at his age). I haven't got photoshop and my Microsoft expression is being a BITCH so i will just include the unedited ones. (i have to warn you they do get silly)

The last pic was me before i went to the movies ... see i do normal :)
Love ya much
QP

Men: The Snowflake Edition

2009-12-14T02:05:00.006Z

For those that know i am highly attracted to white men ... i call them snow flakes. YES i am a black female, and i don't see nothing wrong with dating outside of your race, as i say often, everything ain't for everybody and you must do whatever makes you happy (EXCEPT selling your soul to Satan for earthly rewards). Anyhu i will just post pictures of the snowflakes you can often find me drooling over.

Some of these men are just my tv and movie crushes, the others i think are breath takingly amazingly beautiful and i know if i were to ever bump into any of them in the street, they would take my breath away, because they just have that power on me, cant even look at some of these pics for too long because i get weak lol. I hope you liked my snowflake edition :)
Love ya much,
QP

There Is One In All Of Us...

2009-12-14T01:43:00.003Z

I took myself to the movies on Friday, i was supposed to go with a friend to see 2012 but she let me down, its not something i want to speak about, it is neither here nor there. As i was late anyway, a friend (that works at the Odeon) got me tickets to see 'Where The Wild Things Are'. You might remember i mentioned it in an earlier blog post a few months back. In the words of Max "LET THE WILD RUMPUS START" Here is the Trailer:

I thoroughly enjoyed it, considering i was on my own and when the funny bits happened i had no one to turn to and laugh with or at the end of the movie discuss how good i though it was. I definitely give the movie an 8/10 because i felt 6 years old again. I think it did the book justice, even though some details were not the same, but what do you expect from an adaptation of a children's book. I would recommend this to adults and children alike, it taught me about anger, and how you affect others without really realizing what you are doing to hurt them. Its a must see kiddies. Enjoy.
Love ya much
QP

LONDON

2009-12-02T10:49:00.004Z

MY home, mi cassa, the place i hold close to heart, the city where i fell in love, and had my heart broken several times. The place where i discovered who i was, and who I'd love to be.

Ive been taking pictures of the skyline for some time now, its something I've been obsessed with since i was 15. Ive been in different point of London taking pictures of Canary Wharf (The financial district ... i think we have 2 of those, there was one around Bank ... or is that the banking district ... *Kanye Shrug* i dunno lol). There are plenty more places around London that i would like to take photographic evidence of. I will do plenty of those posts in the future, i can feel it. Enjoy it :).

Today Is ... World AIDS Day

2009-12-01T10:58:00.000Z

For those that know, when i was 12/13, i had a friend named James. We were very close. My friend James contracted HIV when he was young. His parents died in a car crash leaving him and his younger brother. James, went through a hard time with his girlfriend, which lead to his depression, he became fed up with life and stopped taking his medication. He was hospitalized and died of lung failure the day he was supposed to be taken off life support. James was 17. I celebrate his birthday, and i celebrate his life on world AIDS day because, he was close to me.

THE STATISTICS:
THERE ARE 33.4 MILLION PEOPLE LIVING WITH HIV WORLDWIDE
31.3 MILLION ADULTS
15.7 MILLION WOMEN
2.1 MILLION CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 15

IN 2007 THERE WERE 2.7 MILLION NEW CASES OF HIV
2.3 MILLION ADULTS & 430,000 CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 15

IN 2007 THERE WERE 2 MILLION HIV-RELATED DEATHS

UK STATISTICS:
MORE THAN 85,000 PEOPLE ARE LIVING WITH HIV IN THE UK
OVER A QUARTER OF PEOPLE WITH HIV IN THE UK ARE UNDIAGNOSED
ABOUT TWO THIRDS OF PEOPLE LIVING WITH HIV ARE MEN AND A THIRD ARE WOMEN
OVER HALF OF ALL PEOPLE LIVING WITH HIV ARE AGED BETWEEN 30 AND 44, BUT THERE ARE SIGNIFICANT NUMBERS BOTH OF YOUNG PEOPLE AND OLDER PEOPLE NOW LIVING WITH HIV

IN 2008 THERE WERE 7,298 NEW HIV DIAGNOSES IN THE UK ALONE AND THE TWO MOST AFFECTED GROUPS BY THIS VIRUS REMAIN GAY AND BISEXUAL MEN AND BLACK AFRICAN HETEROSEXUALS. THE QUARTERS OF PEOPLE DIAGNOSED WERE AMONG THESE TWO GROUPS

2,760 NEW DIAGNOSES AMONG MEN WHO HAVE SEX WITH MEN
2,790 NEW DIAGNOSES AMONG PEOPLE FROM BLACK AND MINORITY ETHNIC COMMUNITIES.

ALDO:
ALDO has once again partnered with YouthAIDS to launch its 2009 ALDO Fights AIDS (AFA) campaign. This year ALDO’s leading designers have created these unique AFA Tote Bags to raise money in support of YouthAIDS’ education and prevention programs in South Africa.

ALDO will donate 100% of the net proceeds from the sale of each tote bag to YouthAIDS programs worldwide. The YouthAIDS name and emblem are used with the permission of Population Services International, which in no way constitutes an endorsement, expressed or implied, of any product, service, company or individual.

I purchased a tote bag from ALDO a few weeks ago at £5. I did so because as stated above ALL proceeds from this bag go towards helping fight the AIDS virus, what is £5 when you are saving someones life?

YOUR SEXUAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT PEOPLE! GET TESTED REGULARLY. EVERY TIME YOU CHANGE PARTNERS OR HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX! THERE IS NO CURE FOR THIS DISEASE THAT IS KILLING OUR PEOPLE. IT IS VITAL THAT YOU KNOW YOUR STATUS!

Love You Always,
Queen Penelope
xoxo

My Reading List

2009-11-27T12:35:00.002Z

I am a bit of a book worm ... understatement i make Clark Kent look like a high school jock ... NO LIE! I love to read, i spent majority of my childhood reading myself to sleep. My mum used to enjoy telling her friends how she would always find a book between my bed and my wall. So i am going to comply a readying list of the last 13 books i have read if i can remember them all... hmm lets see how it goes.

1.On Beauty - Zadie Smith
2. White Teeth - Zadie Smith
3. Thanks For The Memories - Cecilia Ahern
4. Sweet St. Louis - Omar Tyree
5. Don't Tell Mummy - Toni Maguire
6. Hiding In Hip Hop - Terrence Dean
(i cant actually remember the books i read in order after the 6 i just mentioned ... they are the last 5 books i read, the rest will be books i thoroughly enjoyed.)

7. Goodnight, Beautiful - Dorothy Koomson
8. Got You Back - Jane Fallon
9. A Place Called Here - Cecilia Ahern
10. The Coldest Winter Ever - Sister Souljah
11. My Best Friends Girl - Dorothy Koomson

12. Sleeping With Enemies - Eric Jerome Dickey
13. Waking With Strangers - Eric Jerome Dickey
(number 12 & 13 have to be read after each other they are part of a series)

I think i will make this a regular feature ... i say regular ... i mean after every 13 books, i will write a post and let you know what i have been reading. The next 13 are going to be more AMAZING than the last lol

The Janet Jackson Interview

2009-11-27T11:17:00.002Z

I just watched the Janet Jackson interview and i tried my hardest not to cry. You guys know i loved MJ like an uncle and its still hard for me not to cry when i hear about him. He was truly a great man, even more so when described by his little sister. When Janet was talking about 'mike' i saw alot of the relationship i have with my brothers. For those that know, i LOVE my eldest brother, the brother i follow is my mortal enemy but i still love him. Hes my brother and i would do some serious GBH to protect them, even though i am their younger sister. (i will post a pic of us together when i was a chubby baby at later date)
Q.P
xoxo

Blackmen ... PAY ATTENTION

2009-11-25T15:26:00.004Z

Yesterday (24/11/2009) the metro ran an article about police taking DNA swabs for a new database. I was shocked and disgusted to read that 3 in 4 (you read correct ... 3 in 4) young men on the database are young BLACK men. "They are being targeted as too many officers routinely take samples on arrest to build up a database of suspects instead of one of offenders, it is claimed". The Humans Genetics Commission (an advisory body) is calling for new rules for officers on when they can take samples. The HGC also said there was 'very little concrete evidence' of how useful the database was in investigating crime. Young black men are 'very highly over-represented' with mare than 3 quarters of those aged 18 to 35 on the database. 'There is also evidence that occasionally people are arrested in order to retain the DNA even though they might not have been arrested in other circumstances' - HGC chairman Prof. Jonathan Montgomery. The home office said that samples were taken on arrest for an offence carrying a jail term.

Queen Penelope's Opinion:
I think its another way for the government to keep oppressing us. With them accusing us when we haven't done anything, anger will lead us to do exactly what they want from us. Reverse psychology ... its what they do in shops. They follow us around because they think we will steal something, which normally isn't the case but because you are following me, i will steal something, because you have made it obvious that is what you thought of me ... self fulfilling prophecy? What do you guys think?

KMT

2009-11-24T09:13:00.000Z

I came to this decision a long time ago and i talk about it often.

SOME WOMEN ARE HATERS

Some women just cant help it, its just how they are, jealous and red eye. I started to notice it a while back when i had a spring clean of the company i kept. Many women that pose as your friend but are haters say silly things to you. Things that you dont notice untill you sit and think about it, and then you think to yourself:

"Wait a minute ... did that bitch really just say that shit?"

For example:
A few weeks ago i was on the bus with a 'hater' ... yes we shall just call her hater. And we were talking about celibacy (for those that know, ive been celibate for 1yr 1month and 7days at the time of writting this post). She claimed that she is celibate too (only because her former boyfriend is serving time in the big house for armed robbery and a whole load of other things). I tried to explain to her there is a difference between not getting laid because you choose to say no, and not getting laid because your circumstances have gone to hell. I mentioned that personally i dont think i want to have sex at all, because ive gone so long without it, it no longer interests me. (Bare in mind i have a boyfriend that i love, but honestly i dont want to have sex out of wedlock, i want to be married, and do things properly). Her response to me was "If you dont fuck your boyfriend i will" AND THEN she tried to laugh it off like what she was saying wasent fucked up. And it dident hit me till like a few days later. The thing is, she has never been the person i would leave around my food, clothes or matter fact anything i own, because she is the envious type, but she just confirmed the doubts i had about her ... she is a hater. And to be honest, i havent go the time to be going on maury with her, so she can tell the world she fucked my boyfriend but we should still be friends. Im not saying i dont trust my boyfriend, i do trust him, its her i dont trust.

Its what im talking about, we need to kick them bitches to curb!

Im Changing ...

2009-11-01T15:23:00.006Z

For those that have been paying attention i've decided to ... CHANGE. Ive often said i am no longer a caterpillar ... I was watching 'Ugly Betty' the other day and it taught me something.

The caterpillar might change into the butterfly, but the caterpillar will always be there, regardless of what might happen.

I'm changing all that I am on the outside but I should remember that i will always be the same person on the inside.

So...
HELLO KG SHOES

GOOD BYE LONG HAIR

HELLO NEW HAIRCUT

There is going to be a lot more change but I'm waiting until it all falls through for me to tell you guys about it.

Stay tuned lovelies,

Love Ya Much,
Queen Penelope
xoxo

There is this thing called ...

2009-10-28T16:16:00.002Z

CELIBACY

Dictionary.com tells me the following:
Celibacy (noun) meaning:
1. abstention from sexual relations.
2. abstention by vow from marriage: the celibacy of priests.
3. the state of being unmarried.

For those that don't know, the last time I had sex was 17th October 2008. I have been celibate since then. I chose to be celibate because I hated men. Not all men ... just the ones that I met and were not my friends. I was tired of feeling like a piece of meat. Guys were acting like I was giving away coochie coupons to every Tom, Dick and Harry that stumbled across my path and I owed it to them to lay on may back because they were going to give me the best 5 minutes I will EVER ... EEEEVER experience in my life. (which more often than not was NOT the case)

Honestly, I was angry with myself because I know better. Cant tarnish all people with the same brush because of the behaviour of a few mindless idiots, even though I really wanted to. I chose to take myself away from the whole equation, and better myself. Giving up other things that would be associated with sex like clubbing. If you think about it, a club is really a market.

Girls go clubbing to dress up, get chatted up, get danced with, leave with a few numbers/have given out a few numbers or sometimes to just sleep with a guy she has seen before and her and her friend have argued over which of the two he would prefer to give those 5 minutes of pleasure too. While this is going on, guys are doing pretty much the same thing, there scoping the crowd to find a girl to sleep with ... their either at the bar or hanging out outside the female toilets, harassing anything and everything with a womb ... its always the same group of guys, I have noticed from past experiences. Personally, when i went out raving i was going to have a good time with my girl cousins or to show support to my DJ/promoter friend. I don't go out to get drunk/complimented or to get danced with. I was quite happy dancing by myself in my own little corner and leaving with no one knowing my name or my 11 digits.

I think over the past year abstaining from certain things has helped me to mature and become a better person. I am celibate, in a loving relationship with a partner who is also celibate and concentrating on how I will take over the world. Saying that though iI am still naive, impatient and dramatic ... I just see the world through my eyes instead of the rose tinted glasses I had been wearing for 19 years.

Sleeping around is cool I guess ... if your that way inclined ... and if you can live with the fact that no one wants to buy the cow when they can get the milk for FREEEEEEEEEE!

Think about it ...

(Now I don't know if i wrote about the topic I wanted to discuss or if this has become another one of my rants ... hmm I guess you the reader will let me know ... that's if I even have any readers lol)

Love ya much ... Always,
Queen Penelope
xoxo

Im Happy

2009-10-27T09:40:00.007Z

Was just going through my grapevine (i call it that because certain people dont know why i know so much information and i thought its best i keep it that way) and i found a picture of Raven Symone. Not many know this but when i was little i wanted to be her. I was convinced i would be an actress ... but you know i grew up and decided i want to do other things with my time. But i have always had an adoration for her ... just not her clothes in Cheetah Girls. Ive found some pictures that i will add off her, and i have to say i loveh er because she has breasts and she is NOT skinny! Some people might say she needs to lose weight but i think she is good the way she is. She's real and her weight doesen't make her who she is. There is one pic i will add because i was like WTF but she has reall blossomed.

This pic screams WTF

I dont like the cut of the dress but she looks glowing, and the colour looks good on her.

I like this outfit

I have plenty of shots like these, i like it, she looks real

She looks sleek but ...

This picture is by far my favourite she looks very GROWN

UPDATE

2009-10-13T14:24:00.008+01:00

HEY LOVELY'S!!

Sorry i have been M.I.A but ive been between homes at the moment. Been up and down London like im Esmeralda. For those that know i spend friday through to monday at my stepmum's house looking after some bad ass kids, not my stepmum because she just cusses everyone when she's ready ... i have a stronger hold on the kids and threaten them with murder every chance i get.

Then i spend Teusday through to thursday at my house, which isent all that great because Teusday and Wednesday i wake up at 5:30AM to get ready and dressed to go to uni and then thursday is spent catching up on sleep. Yeh i know im just a busy little bumble-bee.

But yeh im just waiting to recieve my student loan and get the Student Ambassador job at my university (my interview is next week, pray good things and they will come to pass, AMEN!) so i will have lots of monies and when Jimmy Choo and H&M make their beautiful babies i can purchase things such as these:

(i prefer the zebra print ... you know im a bit of an animal)

(Canon Digital IXUS 95 IS it's the cheaper one ... AND ... its pink!)

(ive always wanted something from paul's boutique ... i wonder who this paul fella is though ... AND ... im starting to see a trend starting with the pink!)

There is more i want but i think i will leave it at this for now.

Love ya much, Queen P
xoxo

I AM IN LOVE...

2009-09-14T05:14:00.004+01:00

PHOTOGRAPHY BY JONATHAN BECKERMAN

His name is Mateo and i found him while blog surfing ... his music is beautiful and those that know me already know i am an over emotional person. His music makes me want to cry. His song 'Just Get To Know Me' touched my heart. Brought me back to those days when that's all i wanted. People to get to know me, people only see you for what you are on the surface, im like an iceberg, there is soooo much more below the surface that you will never experience unless you get to know me. He is a talented person and i will be looking out for him. He is definitely one to watch guys!

That's the single from his upcoming DVD & EP - Get To Know Me: Live At Swing House which will be released on iTunes on September 15th.

HTTP://WWW.MYSPACE.COM/MATEO

!!NFL SEASON!!

2009-09-13T19:35:00.004+01:00

My significant other who i love dearly but likes to annoy me has decided to introduce me to the world of NFL. For those that know, im not really fond of watching sports, except for athletics every once in a while (i say while ... just when the Jamaican's are running, ive got to show support to my motherland). I struggle to watch team sports because i have anger issues and i have the mouth of a sailor. Since my bid a year and a half ago to be more feminine i have kissed sports good bye. But along came my other half and in his bid to make me 'amercanised' for when i move to the states he thought it a good idea that i start supporting a NFL team ... his team, none other than the Atlanta Falcons.

Now i dont know much about this sport but he's patiently explained it me while the game was one over facebook, i love him for that! Here is what he said:

You have four chances called downs to make 10 yards. When u make that 10 yards or more, and your player is tackled, your 4 downs start again. Its done like this until u score either a touchdown which is 6 points in your opponents end zone or u kick a field goal, which is 3 points. After every touchdown your score you kick an extra point which is done like a field goal but is worth 1 point. To get your 10 yards you can either run or pass the ball.The quarter back is the one who throws the ball to the wide receivers and tight end. He can throw it to the running back and fullback but that aint his main targets. The 5 guys in front of him are the offensive linemen who block for him. Blocking is basically trying to stop defenders from tackling him before he throws the ball. Running the ball is when u pick a running play for the running back or the fullback to run the ball. If running the offensive line blocks for the back so he can run as far as he can get b4 he is tackled. The fullback also blocks for the running back if it the running back running the ball and vice versa.

Now because i cant watch the game i cant see if anything he said makes sense ... but it is what it is. Maybe later on in the season when he gets here ill understand it better when we watch a game together.

Love ya much
Queen Penelope xoxo

We Have Fallen Down The Rabbit Hole

2009-09-11T17:37:00.008+01:00

"OPEN YOUR EYES! EVERYTHING IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS! WE HAVE FALLEN DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE INTO A WORLD OF SO CALLED 'WONDER'. SEEK AND YOU SHALL FIND LIKE I HAVE! TRUST NO ONE AND SAY NAY!" - Queen Penelope

Often i say things that many people will find out of pocket. Often i say things because that is how i happen to see them. I have always been one to call a spade a spade, never a spoon but a spade. For those that know me, know that i choose to observe situations and people. I rarely argue because not much seems to come from it. I argue when i have had enough, when i become tired of saying the same thing over and over again. It takes a lot to push me over the edge but when i go there, it is at a point of no return. I will say things that might hurt once's feelings but they are the things i have observed. As i mentioned before i will always call a spade a spade, never a spoon.

Now for some time i have often as a joke said things about certain musical artists. Noticed a certain change in their demeanor or notice that they no longer stand for what they used to. Point and example. I do not listen to Jay-Z ... Why? I just don't like him, something about this man does not sit right with my soul. (Yes you read correct i said soul, i have been like that since i was a little girl, if something makes my soul uncomfortable, i would distance myself from that thing. I often have dreams that have deeper meanings, i often see things in my subconscious that will come to pass in the real world, some might read this and think that i am crazy ... that is your opinion, personally i do not care. Anyhu ... ) This has been going on since i was about 6 or 7. The name 'Hov/Hova' makes me uncomfortable, the song 'Lucifer' does not make me feel right.

I have often joked with my girls about Beyonce. Often saying things like "Remember when she was a christian? And in Destiny's Child?" I noticed a change in Beyonce when she went solo and Jayz became her other half. I couldent quite put my finger on it, but i noticed she became more sexual and her love for God went out the window. I apologize if it seems like i am judging her, but my observations were not wrong. When her album Bday came out you could often hear me saying "If Beyonce is not careful she will end up in the same place as Satan ... i mean Jayz" (i will often refer to Jayz as Satan, like i said earlier something about him does not sit right with me). Not realizing how right i was. Yesterday i was on the phone with one of my male BFF's and the subject of Jayz and Beyonce came up. We were talking about relationships and my friend compared my relationship with my boyfriend to that of Beyonce and Jayz to which i replied "i will never sell my soul". The topic then went on to speaking about Sasha Fierce and mentioned how in an interview with Oprah, Beyonce was talking about this "thing" also known as 'Sasha Fierce' while she performed 'If i were a boy' she started out as herself but towards the end of the performance she became someone else. Seeing this gave me chills. I googled the term "Sasha Fierce Devil?" and i found the following the following website ...

http://www.vigilantcitizen.com/?p=604

This website goes in to detail about the death of Beyonce and her rebirth as 'Sasha Fierce' below is the opening paragraph to the article:

Beyonce to Sasha Fierce: Symolic Occult Rebirth
May 1st, 2009 | By Vigilant | Category: Vigilant Reports

Along with her new album, Beyonce has presented her fans to a new alter-ego named Sasha Fierce. The singer affirms that this new persona is the fun, more sexual and more aggressive side of her. This is however the “general public” version of the story. The esoteric meaning revealed by the symbols surrounding this new persona is much deeper: Sasha Fierce is a symbolic representation of an artist taken over by evil to obtain success.

There is more to the article but ive decided to let you read it for yourself i dont want to influence you anymore. Tell me what you think. By the way here is the video of Beyonce on Oprah, ive been trying to find the video of her performing but i cant, its been removed due to copyright infringement.

Love ya much,
Queen Penelope

I AM IN LOVE!

2009-09-10T02:54:00.010+01:00

Channel surfing before bed is never a good idea. Ive just seen the Madonna video and the dress she is wearing is beautiful ... i want it! its inspired me to do a little fashion update ... my dress sense is whatever i feel like wearing, i have to say its dramatically changed since college days when i was into my tomboy-ish look of tracksuits, new era caps, trainers, t-shirts and 1 stud (i was dressed like a boy to a T)

This is the dress that Madonna is wearing in her Celebration video and i have to say it is gorgeous, my soul aches to wear this dress from the Balmain 2009 Fall Collection. It is beautiful and with my curves in the right places i know i can make that dress POP! lol.

For those that know my significant other who i love dearly and is the only person that seems to be able to tell me what to do and not have me cuss him out because he has my interests at heart, banned me from buying shoes 5 months ago. My shoe ban ends 17th October 2009 ... yes he banned me for 6 months. It has been a tough 5 months but im in love with quite a few pairs. First and for most my fetish for "sneakers" ... Supra has been calling my name, my BFF JaJa and i are gonna paint the town red when we cop these!

Skytop's in Army blue

Society in 'Grey/Gray'

Vaider in Charcoal

And if i liked yellow footwear that were not killa heelz then id go banana's for these bad boys!

I have developed an expensive taste in high heeled shoes because they are comfortable. New look shoes were making me feet bleed by the end of the rave so needless to say they had to go ... now i have set my eyes on a couple of bad boys that i want adorned on my feet, but i will tell you about them at a later date.

Love ya much
Queen Penelope xoxo

Movie's I Cant Wait To See

2009-09-10T01:34:00.003+01:00

Where The Wild Things Are

Avatar
The worlds first movie made entirely in 3D by the one and only James Cameron. I am excited about this, ive seen the preview in the cinema with my 3D spectacles on and i have to say it looks good!

I Can Do Bad All By Myself
I want to watch this so bad. I love Tyler Perry moves, they always make me feel some kinda way. I hope they release it over here in the UK because i know they be hating on the good black American movies.

UP
Its Disney, how could it fail?

The Princess And The Frog
There were a lot of complaints when the concept of this film first came out but im really looking forward to seeing this with my little sister when it comes out.

Alice In Wonderland
Tim Burton & Johnny Depp match made in movie heaven. Also i became more interested in the story of 'Alice' after reading 'Through The Looking Glass Wars By Frank Beddor' when i was 15. Interesting read i must admit.

Toy Story 3 ... in 3D
Memories of spending Christmas in Rotterdam when i was 6/7, very much looking forward to seeing this.

Prince Of Persia?!?
I remember playing the game on pc ... windows 97/98 if im correct lol. Im not entirely sold by the trailer so ill have to wait and see what happens.

Looking forward to seeing all of the aforementioned movies.
Love ya much Queen Penelope xoxo

One Day...

2009-08-24T23:31:00.001+01:00

One day my heart stopped beating,
It could have been my excessive alcohol consumption,
It could have been my bad diet,
It could have been my taste for pain killers,
But all i know ... One day my heart stopped beating,
I received some real bad news,
No one was here to shield me from the pain,
Mum was at work,
'He' was in Atlanta,
Marsha was in the gym,
No shoulder for me to cry on,
One day our hearts stopped beating,
We shared a common pain,
My step mum, their mother, their grandma,
Was diagnosed with Stage 2 Breast Cancer,
Today our hearts stopped beating,
Because she told us of her pain,
The pain to face this illness,
This demon, this thief,
Today my world stood still,
And my main concern was not myself,
It was with my 10yr old sister,
Because one day ...
Im scared her childhood will stand still.

Today Monday 22nd August 2009, my step mother Ms. Donna Lewis was diagnosed with stage 2 Breast Cancer. Her operation is on the 9th September 2009, which will be followed by chemo therapy. Pray for her, and our family, we are going to need it. Thank you xoxo

My Music Videos Of The Moment...

2009-08-15T14:25:00.003+01:00

Ive decided to make this a regular thing, well every 2 weeks or every month or so, i will post the music video's that i like. For those that know, i dont particularly watch television ... i get my kicks of the internet, and most of what i listen to i have found on one of my late night internet creeps.

So here are my music videos of the moment:

NELLY FT. PHARRELL - LET IT GO (LIL' MAMA) : THE BEAT IS WHAT DOES IT FOR ME, AND IT MAKES ME DANCE AROUND MY ROOM SO ITS A WINNER FOR ME.

JEREMIH - IMA STAR (EVERYWHERE WE ARE) : I LOVE THIS VIDEO, ORIGINAL TO A 'T', I CANT FAULT HIM, AND I LOVE IT AS MUCH AS I LOVED BIRTHDAY SEX (WHICH I AM YET TO EXPERIENCE) LOL

BASHY FT. H-BOOGIE - YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND : I FRIKKIN LOVE BASHY FOR DOING THIS! I LOVE THE ORIGINALITY, I THINK HE HAS COME A LONG WAY FOR A 'GRIME' ARTIST, AND I CANNOT KNOCK HIS CREATIVITY. (I AM YET TO BUY 'CATCH ME IF YOU CAN' I WILL GET TO IT, ON MY NEXT TRIP TO HMV TO BUY SOME DVD'S AND SIMS3!) IM LOVING WHAT IM SEEING FROM BASHY AND I THINK HES A GREAT ARTIST!

BOW WOW - YOU KNOW IM NASTY (WETTER FREESTYLE) : I LIKE THE SONG ... I GUESS THAT MAKES ME NASTY ... O WELL LOL, THIS ONE ISEN'T NEW IVE BEEN SINGING IT FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS NOW BUT I HAVENT SHARED IT WITH YOU ... UNLESS YOUR ON MY TWITTER LOL

There are a few more i want to do but there all Kid Cudi and i cant witness anything on his channel, youtube is being a BITCH for real. So in the mean time enjoy these. Thank you much

THE JHNELL SHOW!

2009-08-10T23:15:00.004+01:00

Recently i've decided to do a number of episodes as part of my status update on my facebook. The show is entitled 'The Jhnell Show'. Aptly named because i've decided to make things about 'ME'. Ive spent a lot of time putting others before me and ignoring myself and my best interest. And i decided i will no longer entertain this destructive attitude. I am 20yrs old and honestly i do not have much to show for it. Ive decided, i will just be me, the controversial person i know and deeply love. So far i have done 14 episodes ranging in topics. I should explain them but i have chosen not too. It is what it is.

JHNELL SHOW EPISODE 1:
"SOME GIRLS SHOULD KNOW (BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE A GIRL, YOU AINT A WOMAN ... TRUST ME) THAT HE GAVE YOU THE DOUBT OF THE BENEFIT, YOU WAS NEVER FIT, WIFEY (HA) NEVER IT!!"

JHNELL SHOW EPISODE 2:
"STOP GIVING OUT MY BLOODCLATE NUMBER TO PROMOTERS LIKE YOUR NAME IS RASCLATE 118-247 I DON'T BLOODCLATE RAVE!! SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT YOUR DEAD ASS TXT MESSAGE! DON'T PISS ME THE FUCK OFF! THE NEXT PERSON TO GIVE OUT MY NUMBER SEE IF I DON'T BRUCK YOUR BLOODCLATE FACE AND POST IT TO YOUR RASCLATE MOTHA!"

JHNELL SHOW EPISODE 3:
"KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FRIEND AND AQCUANTANCE, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE, KNOW WHERE YOU STAND! AND STOP TRYING TO PROMOTE YOURSELF, I DONT TRUST YOU AROUND MY FOOD LET ALONE MY MONEY!"

JHNELL SHOW EPISODE 4:
"I DONT NEED SOMEONE AROUND ME THATS TRYING TO BE ME, BE YOURSELF, GOD ONLY MADE ONE OF ME FOR A REASON AND BESIDES MY SHADOW HAS BEEN DOING A BETTER JOB THAN YOU EVER WILL."

JHNELL SHOW EPISODE 5:
"IM NOT IMPRESSED! LETS JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT!"

JHNELL SHOW EPISODE 6:
"WHY WOULD I WANT TO GO ON HOLIDAY TO NAPA AND SEE YOUR FACE THERE WHEN I DONT EVEN WANA SEE YOUR FACE WHILST I LIVE IN LONDON? PLEASE JUST ERADICATE YOURSELF FROM MY EXISTENCE BECAUSE GOD KNOWS IVE TRIED!"

JHNELL SHOW EPISODE 7:
"PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT WHAT THEY CANT HAVE, ALWAYS WANTING THINGS THAT BELONG TO SOMEONE ELSE. IM GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE AND ONCE ONLY, THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM AND GUESS WHAT? ... IM THAT BIRD TWEET FUCKING TWEET"

JHNELL SHOW EPISODE 8:
"JUMP OFF MY D*CK AND LEAVE ME THE F*CK ALONE, IF YOUR NOT TALKING BUSINESS OR MONEY I DONT WANT TO KNOW!"

JHNELL SHOW EPISODE 9:
"... No Longer The Person I Used To Be, Not Sure If I Like The Person Ive Become. Going To Go Missing For A While. Im Sorry If I Hurt You But I Feel Like Im Hurting Myself More."

JHNELL SHOW EPISODE 10:
"IM NOT A MODEL, AND I DONT WANT TO BE, IM HAPPY JUST BEING ME ... JENNY GOT A PLATINUM ALBUM AND SHE GOT KISSES WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN GOLD ... JENNY GOT ALL THAT FROM BEING REAL ... WHAT YOU GOT WORTH FIGHTING FOR? ... JENNY DONT WANT NOTHING YOU GOT BECAUSE JENNY GOT IT ALL. :P"

JHNELL SHOW EPISODE 11:
"JUST DOING ME. ITS TIME TO GROW UP, GET RIGHT OR GET LEFT. TIME WAITS FOR NO ONE AND NEITHER DO I."

JHNELL SHOW EPISODE 12:
"Do not stand by my grave and weep. I am not there, i do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that I am a diamond glint on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awake in the morning hush, I am the swift uplifting rush in the soft blush of morning light. I am the swift bird in flight... don't stand at my grave and cry I am not there, I did not die."

JHNELL SHOW EPISODE 13:
"F.I.L.A"

JHNELL SHOW EPISODE 14:
"I KNOW CERTAIN PEOPLE LIE ABOUT THEIR AGE, I KNOW CERTAIN PPL ARE PUSHIN 30 AND CELEBRATING THEIR 21ST BIRTHDAY, JHNELL IS SAYING LEAVE IT ALONE I PROMISE NOT TO REPORT YOU TO THE HOME OFFICE"

There is this wonderful thing...

2009-08-04T19:12:00.005+01:00

Its called a relationship. Everyone knows im in my first relationship since 2006 ... well my first serious relationship anyway. Since 2006 ive gone through my man bashing stage, and my goodness did i bash. One of my favourite quotes being:

"MEN ARE ONLY GOOD FOR ONE THING, AND SOME OF THEM AINT EVEN GOOD FOR THAT"
(Before you say anything I KNOW ALL MEN ARE NOT THE SAME! I was just unfortunate enough to come across a few bad eggs in my time, and i do not blame the male population for this just some and myself for making a few bad judgments)

But i can say that my mind has changed and i'm seeing things in a whole different light. I feel like i am seeing the world for the very first time. It never used to be this way i'm sure of it. But anyway a dear friend of mine on twitter, you may call him Mr. Allen (his twitter is http://twitter.com/Neo_tha_One) and a role model i might add posted a few tweets giving relationship advice. I listen because he is happily married to a beautiful woman and they have a beautiful family. I'm usually too stubborn to take advice or listen to others, but i do know good advice when i see it. Thank you Mr. Allen for the peep into your world.

1. If u want to play games STAY SINGLE true lovers don't have times for games.

2. Go on a date night every now and then. I mean just because you already have each other doesn't mean u should forget what got you there.

3. Have sex!!!! Don't lose that spark because once it's gone eventually your mate will be too.

4. Never leave a problem unsolved if u have an argument just sit & talk about it, stored negativity means a bad future.

5. Use a long car ride as a perfect chance to sit & talk to your significant other, that's the time I cherish most with my wife.

6. Spend time apart sometimes with friends, family or whatever...sometimes u need to miss the one you can't be without.

7. Leave your pride at the door, I'm sure we have all heard this one before ... don't underestimate it.

8. Work as a team not individuals ... independence can be a gift & a curse & will doom you, so work together.

9. If your mate asks you to do something just try it, it will mean so much to them just to see you making an effort to make them happy.

10. Saying sorry is only a band-aid the real healing comes when u actually learn from your mistake, apply it, & never do it again.

11. Do not allow yourself 2 get comfortable & forget the things u did to win your mate's heart because you might find yourself by yourself.

12. Buy a board game ... yeah it may sound a little corny but a tough ass game of Connect Four with your mate will bring you closer.

13. Be spontaneous...I mean no one likes a mundane routine.

You don't have to follow what he says, hes happily married, what does he know about relationships right? *rolls her eyes*

Love Queen Penelope

A Tribute: Michael Jackson ... A Legend!

2009-06-25T23:48:00.004+01:00

I was watching news night, sitting on my bed drinking some high juice. I clock on to my twitter and i see tweets saying that Michael Jackson has died. I am always one to dismiss a rumour, assumptions and hear say. So i ran to the front room with my laptop and switched on my t.v and clocked into CNN. While i was watching CNN reported that Michael suffered from cardiac arrest (when the heart stops beating entirely). Slowly as i watched the rest of the news, the mood became grim. CBS and LA Times both confirmed his death. Maybe it was the shock or maybe i was denial but i refused to believe it. The first person i called was my closest friend Melissa, and she said that it cant be real, she called me back not 5mins after and told me he really did pass away. I'm just in shock right now because Michael Jackson has been a name in my house since i can remember. 'Remember The Time' was the first song that i can recall listening to when i was younger by Michael Jackson. Please take a walk with my through memory lane ...

ABC

I WANT YOU BACK

ROCKIN ROBIN

SUGAR DADDY

GOT TO BE THERE

ILL BE THERE

BEN

BLAME IT ON THE BOOGIE

ROCK WITH YOU

DONT STOP 'TIL YOU GET ENOUGH

BILLIE JEAN

WANA BE STARTIN' SOMETHIN'

THRILLER (I had to post a link because i cant embed the video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOj5H5W9zYo

STRANGER IN MOSCOW

THE MAN

SAY.SAY.SAY

WE ARE THE WORLD

BAD

HUMAN NATURE

LIBERIAN GIRL

BEAT IT (THE REASON WHY IM WEARING A SHORT DRESS AT MY WEDDING? IM DOING THE DANCE TO THIS AT ME WEDDING ... IVE SAID IT FOR THE PAST 3 YEARS AND IM DEFO DOING IT NOW!)

SMOOTH CRIMINAL

LEAVE ME ALONE!!

MAN IN THE MIRROR

BLACK OR WHITE

REMEMBER THE TIME (THE FIRST VIDEO I SAW AND MADE ME LOVE MJ)

EARTH SONG

DIRTY DIANA

IN THE CLOSET

THEY DONT CARE ABOUT US

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

BLOOD ON THE DANCE FLOOR

YOU ROCK MY WORLD

SCREAM (STILL THE MOST EXPENSIVE MUSIC VIDEO EVER MADE!AND I LOVE THE RELATIONSHIP MICHAEL AND JANET HAD!)

MICHAEL JACKSON AS MY FRIEND @AymenTV SAID ON TWITTER "HE WAS A HERO TO SOME, A DAD TO A FEW, A FRIEND TO MANY, BUT THE KING TO ALL. TO MY HERO, MICHAEL JACKSON, REST IN PEACE."

MANY PEOPLE HAVE CRITICIZED ME ON FACEBOOK FOR COMPARING THE DEATH OF MICHAEL JACKSON TO THE LOSS OF AN UNCLE, SAYING THAT I CANNOT COMPARE THE DEATH OF SOMEONE I HAVE NEVER MET TO A FAMILY MEMBER, TO THEM I SAY I BLOODY WELL CAN!! I MIGHT NEVER HAVE MET HIM, I MIGHT NEVER HAVE MET JESUS, GOD, PRINCESS DIANA, MARTIN LUTHER KING JR., MALCOLM X, TUPAC SHAKUR BUT THEY HAVE ALL INFLUENCED MY LIFE IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, AS REVEREND AL SHARPTON SAID MICHAEL JACKSON CHANGED THE WORLD THROUGH HIS MUSIC LONG BEFORE BARACK OBAMA CHANGED THE WORLD WITH POLITICS. HE MIGHT NOT HAVE DONE SOMETHING FOR YOU DIRECTLY BUT I KNOW HIS MUSIC HAS AFFECTED YOU IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. SO AS I SIT HERE WRITING THIS I FEEL LIKE I HAVE LOST MY FAVOURITE UNCLE. THE WORLD FEELS EMPTY KNOWING THAT MICHAEL JACKSON IS NO LONGER HERE. REST IN PEACE MICHAEL, YOU WERE ONE OF A FEW TRUE LEGENDS LEFT.

I HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED THIS BEAUTIFUL WALK WITH ME DOWN MEMORY LANE.

LOVE QUEEN PENELOPE XOXO

Angelo

2009-06-07T23:09:00.008+01:00

I remember the event's of this day like it all happened yesterday, and i know they still haunt me.

Sunday was a special day, it was my friend Angelo's birthday, he lived in the big house on the corner 6 maybe 7 doors down from me. He was turning 10 on the 4th of June 1999 it meant a lot for me because his birthday was a month before mine and it was special because we were both turning 10. For his birthday his mother an his aunt took us to McDonald's (For those that know i spent my childhood in a very small Dutch town named Sas Van Gent, a stone's throw away from the Dutch and Belgian border, the nearest McDonald's was a 20 maybe 30 minute drive away in Belgium, it was sort of on the way to Antwerp) We had an awesome time for his birthday, i met his cousins and we had fun. I remember telling him that i couldn't wait for my birthday next month because he was the guest of honour. I only recall seeing him once after his birthday and it was when he was coming from school, i told him happy birthday and id see him soon. That was the last time i saw him alive.

Thursday was an exciting day because it was hot and my friend Samantha and i had been pleading with our parent's to go to the swimming pool by ourselves. The swimming pool was a 20minute bike ride away from our house, after school i went home dropped my bag of, went to Samantha's house and from there we went to the swimming pool. As i was a year older than Samantha it was my duty to look out for her. The swimming pool closed at around 6/7. We got out the pool to get changed. As we left the swimming pool we heard sirens and as there is a motorway that goes through our town accidents happen, not often but they happen (There was an older child at our school that was killed crossing the road on his bike, it happened before our time but it was something we were all reminded off, road safety played a major part in our curriculum). I remember saying to Sam "Stupid motorists, i wish they would slow down". We got on our bikes and rode to home. We stopped of at Sam's house first to drop of her stuff, there was no one home, which was odd because Sam's parents were ALWAYS home, if her father wasn't home her mother definitely was, dinner was still on the stove but the house was deserted, Samantha started panicking thinking something happened to her parents i told her not to worry if anything had happened one of her older sisters would be home, i said we should go to my house, she could stay there until her parents came back. On the way out we bumped in her neighbor, the Turkish man that used to live next door to me and ironically now lived next door to her, he said there had been an accident with one of the kids down the road. We jumped on our bike and rode down the road and it soon became apparent where the accident had taken place. Our whole neighbor hood was gathered outside Angelo's home. Samantha's saw her mother and ran to her i was too busy trying to work out what had happened. A girl said that a boy drowned in the bath tub and i panicked. I saw my mum and i went to her and hugged her, i remember a helicopter landed and in my mind it was like WOW Ive never seen a helicopter before, there were 2 ambulances 3 police cars and a helicopter. I didn't know what to think but whatever it was i knew it couldn't be good. I stood outside that house for hours, my mother had gone inside, Samantha had gone to bed and the majority of the crowd has gone, it was just me, my brother, a few of his friends and a boy that witnessed the whole thing. He had been in the park on the swing when he heard screaming, he saw Angelo's mum and she was screaming that Angelo had fallen in the bath. He called an ambulance from his mobile phone, the operator thought it was a prank and hung up the phone on him. He ran towards the house and dialed again and told them that a young boy had drowned in his bath tub, his mother is hysterical and they needed an ambulance here urgently. (those were the sirens i heard when i left the swimming pool, it wasn't a road accident but my friend dying).

Angelo's mother had set his bath and told him to get in, she had left the bathroom to get something. Angelo had gotten in the bath and slipped on a bar of soap, his head had hit the metal of the pipe knocking him unconscious. His mother found him face down in the bathtub.

No one knows exactly how long he had been unconscious for but they tried to revive him to no avail. I stood outside his house that day for what seemed like hours, the Hurst came and i saw them carry his body out in a body bag, and i remember asking my brother if that was really my friend in the black bag and my brother hugged me and told me yes it was, i told him i didn't believe him and that it was really a doll, and tomorrow i was going to see him when he came from school and everything was going to be alright. I never did see my friend again. I attended his funeral the following Monday in the the cream dress i wore to my communion.

The first funeral i had been to was that of my friend Angelo when i was 9yrs old. Something that to this day still haunts me, sometimes when i am still and i close my eyes i can see us playing in his garden, and i can hear us laughing, and when i open my eyes i realize that i am no longer 9yrs old and Angelo is no longer alive.

4th June 1989 - 10th June 1999

Celebrity Therapy: Beyonce & Rihanna

2009-06-02T19:32:00.002+01:00

Because i thought this was funny, i aint trying to knock nobody's hustle lool, go and get it ladies!!

LOL i thought this video was funny, they took the piss out of their lives. I think its funny because she DOES sound like Beyonce and i can imagine Rihanna sounds like that looool! Anyhu i hope you enjoyed it people.

My Songs Of The Moment

2009-06-02T17:44:00.002+01:00

I WANT A POLE IN MY BASEMENT!

I I I I I I ALSO WANT TO HAVE BIRTHDAY SEX!

THE . OTHER . NIGHT . Y?

(I KNOW ITS AN OLD SONG BUT IM SLOWLY GETTING INTO IT, SHE AFTERALL IS A VERY TALENTED LADY! IM PROUD OF HER FOR STEPPING OUT OF HER SISTERS SHADOW)

IM NOT SCARED OF LIONS AND TIGERS AND BEARS!

I NEED A GIRL

CLEAR OUT!! NEXT HYPE!!

30th May 2009

2009-06-02T14:05:00.003+01:00

Yep i did it, section of my hair is blond, i wanted a brighter colour, but i think this shade is just right for me, what you guys think?

My friend and i had a lil get together in central London, we got tipsy and caused PURE madness in Old Kent Road Asda lol

I Can Be A Hero, Can You?

2009-05-20T14:49:00.005+01:00

On saterday 16th of May, i joined the register to become a possible donor for someone suffering from leukaemia.

My friend and i went down to the Capital FM building in leicster sq. where they were having a blood drive for people to get registerd to the charity. I am so happy that i went because i learnt that my preconcieved notions about what giving blood entailed were smashed and i was given the facts. The parents of Daniel DeGale were also present, Daniel recieved bone marrow from Doreene Carney in 1999 the actions of this woman pro longed his life he sadly passed away in October 2008. But his parents have been campaigning for more ethnic minorities to become donors.

Leukaemia and Ethnicity, The facts:

At the present time The Anthony Nolan Bone Marrow Register of approx. 390,000 donors and the National Blood Service’s “British Bone Marrow Registry” of approx. 300,000 donors mainly consists of Caucasian donors - they have a SEVERE shortage of donors from varying ethnic backgrounds.

APPROX. ETHNIC NUMBERS
JEWISH: 7,826
MEDITERRANEAN: 3,591
ASIAN: 12,686
AFRICAN AND AFRICAN CARIBBEAN: 25,000
NORTH EUROPEAN: 609, 185
EVEN LESS IS OF EASTERN EUROPEAN, MIDDLE EASTERN AND CHINESE ORIGIN.

The other Bone Marrow Donor Registers around the world also experience this problem.

In deciding whether a potential donor’s bone marrow will be compatible with a patient it is necessary to carry out further blood tests to ascertain both persons tissue types. Each person’s tissue type is made up of a series of antigens - there are hundreds of antigens in existence and therefore thousands of tissue types. Different antigens and permutations of antigens are more commonly found within certain racial or ethnic sections of society. i.e. it would be unlikely to find a match for a African/African Caribbean British patient from a largely Caucasian register. Similarly, an Asian patient would be more likely to find a match from within the Asian community, and so on.

A persons tissue type is an inherited characteristic which is passed on from parents to their children and research has shown that the chances of finding a matching donor for a patient is GREATER if the donor is from the same Racial/Ethnic background and descent. We are currently trying to recruit more ethnic minority potential donors in our efforts to offer patients the CHANCE OF LIFE.

*Did you know that if you are caucasian your chance of finding a donor is a possible 1 in 5, where as if you are African/ African Caribbean your chance is 1 in 100,000? Please register and help save lives!!*

Below is some information about Leukaemia that i have taken from the ACLT website, check them out at http://www.aclt.org

What is Leukaemia, blood related cancers & Bone Marrow?
Leukaemia is a cancer of the bone marrow. It affects the cells in the bone marrow that produce white blood cells.

The four main types of leukaemia are:

Each type has its own characteristics and treatment. Chronic myeloid leukaemia may also be called chronic granulocytic leukaemia or chronic myelogenous leukaemia. It is most common between the ages of 40 and 60 and is slightly more common in men than in women.

What is Chronic Myeloid Leukaemia?
Chronic myeloid leukaemia is a rare type of cancer affecting approximately 700 people (mostly adults) in the UK each year. Leukaemia is a cancer of the white blood cells. Normally, white blood cells grow and divide in an orderly and controlled way, but in leukaemia the process gets out of control and the cells divide too quickly, and do not mature. In CML, too many myeloid cells (one of the main types of white blood cells) are produced. The myeloid cells are released into the blood when they are immature and unable to work properly. These immature white blood cells are known as blasts.

The immature cells fill up the bone marrow and prevent it from making blood cells properly. As the leukaemia cells do not mature, they can't do the work of normal white blood cells, which leads to an increased risk of infection. Because the bone marrow is overcrowded with immature white cells it also can't make enough healthy red cells and platelets.

CML usually develops very slowly, which is why it is called ‘chronic’ myeloid leukaemia. Chronic myeloid leukaemia can occur at any age, but it more commonly affects middle-aged and older people. It is rare in children.

What is Acute Myeloblastic Leukaemia?
Normally, blood cells are made in the bone marrow in an orderly and controlled way. In acute myeloid leukaemia (AML), this process gets out of control and many abnormal leukaemia cells are made. These cells are immature and aren’t able to develop into normal functioning blood cells. They are sometimes called blast cells. AML is an overproduction of an early myeloid cell. In most types of AML the leukaemia cells are immature white cells. But, in some less common types of AML, too many immature platelets or immature red blood cells are made. The immature cells fill up the bone marrow, taking up space that is needed to make normal blood cells. Some leukaemia cells 'spill over' into the blood and circulate around the body in the bloodstream. These leukaemia cells don’t mature, and so don’t work properly. This leads to an increased risk of infection as well as symptoms such as anaemia and bruising caused by fewer healthy red blood cells and platelets being made.

What is Chronic Lymphocytic Leukaemia?
Chronic lymphocytic leukaemia (CLL) is a cancer of the lymphocytes. It is the most common type of leukaemia. CLL mainly affects people over 60 and is rare in people under the age of 40. CLL occurs more often in men than women, but the reason for this is not known.

Blood cells are normally produced in a controlled way, but in leukaemia the process gets out of control. The lymphocytes multiply too quickly and live too long, so there are too many of them circulating in the blood. These leukaemic lymphocytes look normal, but they are not fully developed (immature) and do not work properly. Over a period of time the abnormal cells replace the normal white cells, red cells and platelets in the bone marrow. The condition usually develops very slowly and many people with chronic lymphocytic leukaemia do not need treatment for months or years. Some people need to have treatment straight away.

What is Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia?
Acute lymphoblastic leukaemia is a rare type of cancer, affecting approximately 200 adults per year in the UK. Leukaemia is a cancer of the white blood cells. Normally, white blood cells grow and divide in an orderly and controlled way but in leukaemia the process gets out of control and the cells divide too quickly, but do not mature. In acute lymphoblastic leukaemia there is an overproduction of immature lymphocytes, called lymphoblasts (sometimes referred to as blast cells). There are two different types of lymphocytes: B-lymphocytes and T-lymphocytes.

These immature cells fill up the bone marrow and stop it from making blood cells properly. As the leukaemia cells do not mature, they cannot do the work of normal white blood cells, which leads to an increased risk of infection. Because the bone marrow is overcrowded with immature white cells it cannot make enough healthy red cells and platelets.

ALL occurs more frequently in children (under 15 years of age) than adults. When it occurs in teenagers or adults, ALL is more common between the ages of 15–25 and in older people. It is slightly more common in males than in females.

What is Lymphoma?
Lymphoma is a cancer of the lymphatic system. Lymphoma, like other cancers, is a disease of the body's cells. Cells in different parts of the body work in different ways, but they all repair and reproduce themselves in the same way. Normally, cells divide in the body in an orderly and controlled manner. However, if for some reason the process gets out of control the cells carry on dividing. In lymphoma, a lump or tumour forms in one or more groups of lymph nodes.

There are two main types of lymphoma:
The difference between Hodgkin lymphoma and NHL

There is only one way to tell the difference between Hodgkin and non-Hodgkin lymphomas (NHL). The difference can be seen when the cells are looked at under the microscope. Often the cells need to be stained with dyes to show their structures. Usually the cells will also be tested for the presence of particular proteins – this is known as immunohistochemistry.

In most cases of Hodgkin lymphoma, a particular cell known as the Reed-Sternberg cell is found in the tests done to see if you have the disease. This cell is not usually found in other lymphomas, so they are called non-Hodgkin lymphoma. This difference is important, because the treatment for Hodgkin and non-Hodgkin lymphomas can be very different. It is thought that Reed-Sternberg cells are a type of white blood cell – a B-lymphocyte that has become cancerous. B-lymphocytes normally make antibodies to fight infections.

What is Myeloma?
Myeloma is also known as multiple myeloma or myelomatosis.

Blood cells look and work differently, but they all repair and reproduce themselves in the same way. Normally, new cells are produced to replace old, worn-out cells in an orderly, controlled way. However, in myeloma the process gets out of control and large numbers of abnormal plasma cells – myeloma cells – are produced. These fill up the bone marrow and interfere with production of normal white cells, red cells and platelets. The myeloma cells usually produce a large amount of one type of abnormal antibody. This is known as a paraprotein or M protein. This paraprotein cannot fight infection effectively and often reduces the production of normal antibodies.

Myeloma cells have the ability to spread throughout the bone marrow and into the hard outer casing of the bone. Some, or many, areas of bone may be affected. Myeloma can cause thinning of the outer bone and bone pain. Myeloma usually occurs in middle-aged and older people. It is unusual before the age of 50 and very rare in people younger than 40.

Myeloma is one type of disorder of the plasma cells. Some other conditions of the plasma cells can develop into myeloma but may not necessarily do so. The two most common of these are monoclonal gammopathy of uncertain significance (MGUS) and smouldering myeloma (also known as indolent or asymptomatic myeloma). If you are diagnosed with either of these conditions, you will be monitored with blood tests, but may not need to have any treatment unless the condition progresses.

What is Aplastic Anaemia?
Aplastic Anaemia is a rare disease in which the bone marrow is unable to produce adequate blood cells; leading to pancytopenia (deficiency of all types of blood cells). It may occur at any age, but there is a peak in adolescence / early adulthood, and again in old age. Slightly more males than females are diagnosed with Aplastic Anaemia, also the disease is more common in the Far East. Patients successfully treated for aplastic anemia have a higher risk of developing other diseases later in life, including cancer.

What is Myeloproliferative disorders?
Myeloproliferative disorders are diseases in which too many blood cells are made by the bone marrow, there are 4 main types of myeloproliferative disorders:

chronic myelogenous, leukaemia, polycythemia vera agnogenic myeloid, metaplasia, thrombocythemia, Chronic myelogenous leukaemia is where an excess of granulocytes (immature white blood cells) are found in the blood and bone marrow. Polycythemia vera is where red blood cells become too numerous often resulting in a swelling of the spleen. Agnogenic myeloid metaplasia is a condition in which certain blood cells do not mature properly, this may result in a swelling of the spleen and anaemia. Essential thrombocythemia is a disease in which the body produces excessive numbers of platelets (cells in the blood that make it clot) which impedes the normal circulation of blood.

What is Myelodysplastic Syndrome?
Myelodysplastic syndromes, sometimes called "pre-leukaemia" are a group of diseases in which the bone marrow does not produce enough normal blood cells. Common symptoms are anaemia, bleeding, easy bruisability, and fatigue. These Myelodysplastic syndromes can occur in all age groups but are more common in people aged over 60. Myelodysplastic syndromes may develop spontaneously or be secondary to treatment with chemotherapy / radiotherapy. There is an association with Myelodysplastic syndromes and acute myeloid leukaemia.

What is Bone Marrow?
Bone marrow is a spongy material that fills some of the bones and produces stem cells, which develop into the three different types of blood cells:

red blood cells, which carry oxygen to all cells in the body

white blood cells, which are essential for fighting infection

platelets, which help the blood to clot and control bleeding.

All these cells normally stay inside the bone marrow until they are mature enough to perform their functions properly. They are then released into the bloodstream so that they can move around the body in the blood.

White blood cells
There are two main types of white blood cell: myeloid cells and lymphocytes. These cells work together to fight infection. There are different types of myeloid cells that help to fight off different types of infection. The different myeloid cells are:

neutrophils

monocytes

eosinophils

basophils.

The myeloid cells, and some lymphocytes, only live for a few days, so the bone marrow is constantly making new cells to replace the old ones. The bone marrow normally makes millions of blood cells every day. When they are mature enough to leave the bone marrow, the white blood cells are released into the bloodstream to circulate around the body.

After reading this i hope you feel you know a bit more about this illness and i urge you to please please please go and get registerd!! I can be a hero, Can you?

Making My Maxidress Pt.1

2009-05-04T16:13:00.006+01:00

Like i said before i plan to dominate the world lol enjoy the ride guys!

UPDATE

2009-04-16T02:58:00.002+01:00

If you havent noticed by now its obvious that i have no intention of updating my blog on a regular basis, im not going through anything dramatic and im not depressed... say what you will but depression sells... i believe thats when people are at their most creative.

I BOUGHT MY SEWING MACHINE!!!

I need to buy some fabric and THEN ima make the best EVERYTHING ever... im getting closer to my dreams!

Im sooo in love right now!

Update

2009-03-14T16:03:00.003Z

This week has been so not serious...

'Him' and I werent talking for maybe 13hrs and yes i cried. Im the person that thinks if your always arguing when your in a relationship then just end it, because your clearly not meant to be together (i shouldent think like that because thats the divorce mentality, and i believe in the sanctity of mariage, i will get married and my husband and i will love each other untill death do us part!). Ive never experienced the phenomenon that is "talking about your problems" none of me x's were talkers so this concept is completly alien to me. I really did think we were going to break up because there was this odd rift between us (it was my fault, i made a mistake, realised and apolagised, he wasent happy and to be honest i dont blame him, i put us both in an akward position) and i kept saying to him whats wrong and he was like nothing. See i know what it means when something is wrong but you tell people its "nothing", i do it all the time, saying "nothing" is wrong and that im "fine" are words that my existance depends upon. But he told me eventually what was bothering him and we worked through it... i would never have figured thats what relationships are about, if something is wrong you work through it and hopefully put it behind you. Now dont get me wrong i know thats what relationships are about but i never really knew how important it was to put that theory into practice, its one of those things you have to experience yourself to understand (like the miracles of child birth). But were back to normal now and its a really good feeling.

Ive been pulling 48hr days sunday and monday roll into one for me, the problem is by the time i go to sleep monday night, im too tired to get out of bed teusday morning and for those that know, i have class on mondays and teusdays ONLY. Exams are coming up and im starting to slip away into my old habits and i cant really afford to be doing this. I havent told 'him' because i know he's gona be dissapointed in me, and basically i dont want him to think im a failure, yes his oppinion is very important to me because he's the one that's keeping me focused. Ive missed so many weeks of uni already due to the snow storm and half term and now its like ive got sooo much work to catch up on... its driving me mad lol.

Ive finally gatherd what i want to do with my future, bummer is that everything that i planned and hoped to do, i can no longer do because their passing a law wich states that if you have done a BA you cant go back on yourself to do another one. So i cant go to university and study fashion/photography. So instead im going to have to throw myself into the deep end and invest in a camera and a sewing machine, and start doing things myself. Im really excited but nervous as hell at the same time because im putting all my cards on the table and if i succeed or fail its all gona be on me, i cant blame no one else for this but myself and its a daunting prospect.

In other news i have fixed my infamous maxi-dress (i went to H&M though and fell in love with this green one £40 though... those that know me know i dont buy nothing if it costs more than £30 because i cant live with guilt in my life, the most i ever spent on an item of clothing was £90 and that was my leather jacket and even then i really contemplated returning it... £90 is alot of money for someone that does not work) So im currently looking for a job so i can buy said maxi dress and have a WHALE OF A TIME! lol

Im sure there is more i want to tell you guys but i cant think of anything at the moment so im gona leave. Will try to update atleast once a week. Toodelz guys xxx

Tangerine Fetish

2009-03-01T18:08:00.002Z

So for those that know, know that i have a tangerine fetish.

I think it is my favourite fruit, but i have a tough time loving it. If i peel a tangerine and the segments aren't juicy, or dont taste nice i wont eat anymore, so all the other tangerine's will stay there and go of.

But if i like what i taste, i have a tough time not finishing the rest. Yesterday i ate 8 tangerines, the day before i ate 5... now there is only one left in the fruit bowl and i am battling with myself wether or not i should eat it... i can hear it calling my name... i think im going to eat it.

So yep that's my tangerine fetish... im weird like that

Moaning about my hair :(

2009-02-27T05:19:00.003Z

I was reading my all time favourite blog (ilovewhatwomenwant) right... and like for some time ive been looking everywhere for somebody that is willing to ship me some weave from the US... but no matter how many hours i spend infront of my laptop i havent had any luck! Those that know, know that i went NYC for christmas and got my hair done my Miss Janice
(she's is like the best hairdresser ever... yes i am still scared of hairdressers but thats not the point).
She made my hair look GARGIOUS!

My problem is now that i have taken my hair out... i am left with my natural hair

(which has experienced some massive trauma over the past year and a half... it used to be kinda long, then i went away to university... my hair started breaking... i started cutting... i over straightened... cut some more... went to some crappy hairdressers... my hair started falling out)

A think unkept mess of harsh wana be natural coarse "negro" hair. Don't get me wrong, i love my hair despite it's thickness its really nice, and easy to comb... when it wants something done to it... other than that, keeping it natural is proving really difficult especially since its short and really really really natural, and ive decided to let it grow...

(ive had to kiss my straighteners good bye)

Saying it's short is a slight exageration... short black hair is different from short white hair, so i have to say its short but still long enough to put in a pony tail. My hair has 4 completly different textures. 1. smooth at the front 2. hard in the middle 3. really kinky to start with 4. dead straight at the ends. So i dont know what to do to my hair to make it grow, ive stopped talking to the girls i would normally make do my hair in braids and stuff and now im kinda screwed with this global recession and me being job less. :(

Anyhu, living in england is proving hard, especially when your trying to compete with all the women in the USA & CANADA that look good, have their hair/face/nailz right... its tragic when you see what we are left with. "Sensational" hair... the kind that looks plastic, shines in the light, and looks like a dead animal is attached to your scalp as soon as you step out the door.

It's tragic being a black woman in england... it really is! NEVER RELOCATE HERE, IF YOU KNOW YOU CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOUR WEAVE!!

This is hard work

2009-02-20T22:53:00.002Z

So basically over the past week my opinion on men has drastically changed. I think it's all thanx to a certain someone... anyhu... lol im kidding, but seriously, my opinion has changed.

For those that don't know i decided to be celibate a while back, it's been 4 months and 3 days to be exact lol, yep some day's are hard but i got to go through it, im helping myself unlock my self worth... at first i was like not till i get married blah blah blah... then i realised you cant really go through something like that, and plan ahead, you gotta take things one day at a time, that's what im doing, staying away from temptation and having 'a whale of a time', one day at a time lol.

ANYHU

I've come to the decision that i no longer want to reside in the UK... yep it was hard but someone helped me make my mind up. I've always wanted to move to the USA, i did when i was 10, but left after 3 month's (there's only a certain amount of time i can get pushed down a flight of stairs and tell my mum it was an accident... yep them kids were cruel!) And now i feel to pick up and leave, ofcourse i will miss my girls and my family, how could i not? But i think i just put up with too much, and im not really happy where i am, and i think i need a change... and not a 'im gona shave of my hair' kinda change (i dont think bald would look good on me, i have a big head). So over the last week ive been:

1. Job hunting (will need to sort out a visa for that)
2. House hunting (not much meets my taste)
3. Looking for community college courses in either fashion or photography.

This whole 'let me change my life' thing is proving more difficult than i once thought, with this whole recession thing, it's not like i could just leave where i am with a few coins in my pocket and go make a living in another country... it's just not that simple anymore. I bet if i went to NY though instead of ATL my aunt would help me out, but im not trying to live of nobody... i just want to be independant, and its proving alot more difficult than i once thought. But i think it would be worth it though... I hope and pray that it would be worth it.

xxx

I was wondering...

2009-02-15T00:45:00.002Z

New year and all that good stuff!

HI EVERYONE!!

That's if anyone even reads this, but i thought i would give this blog thing a proper go. I did a few years ago... livejournal was my life... boy i was really messed up back then but im alright now :).

Anyhu, i havent made any new years resolutions this year... would be a bit late to mention them now... but i've decided to let this year be all about me. Not really about letting people get the better of me, which is already proving hard because i am soooo easily wound up... but im gona give it a go!

Im trying hard not to go into one of my rants but... wot the heck...

Im no longer talking to ma friend...

Long story but she's been trying to take me for a ride for the past 5 years, ruening my 15th birthday and countless relationship's that i've had with friends and family, compulsive liar and the rest of it, i've been telling her for a while now that i wont be puttin up with her stupidness but you know how the saying goes "Who dont wana listen, must feel"!

Loads of people have critisized me, for not talking to her no more, but i dont think any of those people understand or know what it feels like to have things around you disintegrate all because of one person, and their lack of mutual understand and the concepts of relationships. No, im good to be without her... give me time to start new relationships and keep them, without worrying someone will come along to ruin things for me. Hmmm anyhu lol... gona write something else!

I Dont Need Him.

2008-09-24T02:21:00.002+01:00

I think about him all the time, but the more i do, i realise i dont need him. Im happy being on my own, sort of like footloose and fancy free but i cant be without him, it's never crossed my mind to let him go but i really cant, no matter how long were apart for we still seem to find each other. I dont think he understands how i feel, and i dont think im able to tell him because after all no one wants to be rejected. But i want him to know that i dont need him.... I WANT HIM!

Love Of Cheerios

2008-07-15T03:24:00.002+01:00

I love this picture because it means so much to me. It serves as a reminder that love is out there, and not to worry, someone loves me for me.

I Don't Understand

2008-07-15T03:21:00.001+01:00

I know I haven’t posted in a while but I’ve been going through some things trying to figure myself out, and trying to make sense out of the situations that I’ve been put through recently. I for sure can say that I have never been in love. The more I sit and think about it I don’t think I will ever be in love, my reasons being that my mindset is way ahead of my age, thus alienating guy’s that are my age into seeing the things about me that make me unique and make me stand out. I will always be the girl picked last to dance within my own age group, because:
· I am not skinny,
· I speak my mind,
· I don’t care for name dropping,
· My outward physical appearance is not the cornerstone of my existence,
· I don’t care what people think about me,
· I don’t care what is said about me as long as its true,
· I will always be the “friend” of the pretty girl that all the guys want to know, meaning that I am “friends” with all the good looking guys because they only want to know me so that I can introduce them to my friend.
· Sad but o so true.
I think this is what encourages me to like guys that are older than me (a minimum of 4 year age gap I have noticed). Because I hope they have a higher mental aptitude. The problem however is not in the age difference of the guys which I hope gives them maturity but it’s just everything that makes them male. So in theory what I am trying to say is I don’t hate guy’s individually but I hate what they are; they are man! I can’t stand how they make me feel. Men I suppose will always be my downfall. I can’t live with them but I can’t live without them. I think it’s the hurt that they can always make me feel without trying or thinking. I don’t understand, and I don’t think I ever will but in the meantime I am just going to be the best me that I can be. And love myself for who and what I am, and if a man can appreciate that then maybe he is meant to be around me for long time.

The hunt for “The One” continues.

The Day I Realised How Much I Missed Him

2008-04-09T06:44:00.000+01:00

Hey,

Lastnight/ the early hours of this morning i consumed some alcohol at a party. Ive noticed i dont drink for social reasons... only to forget my feelings about something and let my hair down. I drank and had a merry old time of things and when the party ended i sat down with some of the girls and we spoke... spoke about alot of things... but mainly about sex and relationships. I realised that despite everything that has gone on between me and "him" i miss him dearly. "He" was the guy that i was completly sure i wanted, he made everything alright when i failed my exams, made me realise that things will get better and i dont have to throw away all my hopes, dreams and aspirations. He offerd me a chance of a lifetime. He offerd me a chance to go with him, away to university... i chance that i sometimes wish i had taken because if i had i wouldent have lost him. Things between us wouldent have changed. I wouldent have felt like i was the only on that cared... about us. Now when i see hime things are akward. I feel he doesent care anymore, that uni has taken him away from me and he's a completly different person... someone that i no longer know. To me its like realising that your parents were someone before they had you, but in the opposite way... sort of like how parents feel when their children grow up and have families of their own. And the talk i had with the girls has made me realise how much ive missed him. I shouldent have done some of the things that i did in his abscence. I think i did them because i missed him and doing what i did would make the pain go away but it dident, it made me feel worse. It made me realsie how much i appreciate him, how much i need him in my life and how hard it has been for me since he went away. I do sometimes cry when i think of the things we could have had, or could have been doing... but i think its sort of my own fault. I should have taken that chance, to go somewhere i dident know, and start something new... with him by my side telling me that im alright. What im doing isent all bad. Today was the day i realised that i really do miss him, not caring what anyone thinks about him... but i really do miss him and the spot he had in my heart feels hollow now that he has gone. I Feel really sad. Im goign to go to bed.

Good Morning

Its Not My Future, Its My Life

Window Seat

Homosexuality

*SIGH*

HIP-HOP

IM BACK!

January Outings Pt.1

January 2010

New Beginnings

The End

I Want To Be...

Boredom

Men: The Snowflake Edition

There Is One In All Of Us...

LONDON

Today Is ... World AIDS Day

My Reading List

The Janet Jackson Interview

Blackmen ... PAY ATTENTION

KMT

Im Changing ...

There is this thing called ...

Im Happy

*UPDATE*

I AM IN LOVE...

!!NFL SEASON!!

We Have Fallen Down The Rabbit Hole

I AM IN LOVE!

Movie's I Cant Wait To See

One Day...

My Music Videos Of The Moment...

THE JHNELL SHOW!

There is this wonderful thing...

A Tribute: Michael Jackson ... A Legend!

Angelo

Celebrity Therapy: Beyonce & Rihanna

My Songs Of The Moment

30th May 2009

I Can Be A Hero, Can You?

Making My Maxidress Pt.1

UPDATE

Update

Tangerine Fetish

Moaning about my hair :(

This is hard work

I was wondering...

I Dont Need Him.

Love Of Cheerios

I Don't Understand

The Day I Realised How Much I Missed Him

SIGH

UPDATE